my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
