Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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