Fine. I'll sleep in my office
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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