I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
