I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize