All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize