Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
