Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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