My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
