I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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