Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize