Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
