don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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