I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Sorry my hands just texted you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
