I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
