My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
is wine microwaveable?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
