wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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