there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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