that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
