I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize