Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize