And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize