why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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