absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
