We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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