I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
