im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
