Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
