Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
