i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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