i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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