found the other keg... it's in the tree
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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