then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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