I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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