i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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