K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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