Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
