I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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