I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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