Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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