its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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