Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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