I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
