You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
