Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
