I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
