he thought i was a dude.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
