I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
