Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
