I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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