I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
