WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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