He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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