Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
