a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
