8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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