Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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