they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
