Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Come share oat with me in your robe
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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