Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
