She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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