i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
