Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
