my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
