Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i believe in u and ur pee
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