I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
