If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
