I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
