i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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