Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
