Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
