just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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