I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
