Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
