I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
